EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND LEADERSHIP – PART TWO

Important Management Skills – The Skill of Self-Control

Emotional Intelligence skill number 2: Self control.

There is a well-known proverb: act in haste, repent at leisure.

We all do it sometimes: when we are under pressure we can often feel frustrated, upset, annoyed or some other such negative emotion.  As a result, we may say or do things in a way which have a negative impact on others. The problem with this of course, is it can begin a chain reaction of negativity which is more than likely going to take time and effort to put right, and which may damage style workplace motivation and performance.

Have you ever experienced this with someone at work? Here’s an example.

Scenario 1: The Knee-jerk reaction

One of your staff, whom you do find difficult to get on with at the best of times, has been late for work four times already this month – and you’ve already spoken to them once about it, (quite reasonably in your opinion). They arrive late again today – and you make some abrupt, rather sarcastic comment in front of three other staff.

You’re feeling?  Frustration.

Your response? Sarcasm.

Their response?  Defensive – maybe anger. (Even if they’re in the wrong – they’re feeling stung you’re criticising them in front of others)

Does your reaction solve anything? Doubtful.

Scenario 2: Over-controlling your feelings

Imagine this time, in this same scenario, rather than vent your frustration at the repeated poor timing, you don’t say anything at all because you feel uncomfortable about tackling this. You might make a mental note you’ll tackle it later, but often “later” never comes because there never seems to be an appropriate moment, because it’s “hassle” or because you are worried it might make matters worse. Instead, you might raise it 3 months later in a formal appraisal review. This is probably the most unhelpful response you could have chosen!

The problem is, if you don’t actually communicate your feelings in a constructive way to others,

1. The unwanted behaviour is unlikely to change
2. Others in the team perceive it is “OK” to behave in that way.
3. Others perceive you as “weak” and unfair: they see someone flouting “the rules” and you doing nothing about it.
4. Your confidence is weakened to tackle other “uncomfortable” issues.

The skill is to recognise your emotions, and find a way of communicating with the other person, in a way which retains respect and good will, yet makes your feelings and your expectations crystal clear.

Emotional intelligence requires you do not lose sight of your goal, at the expense of emotions.

In the scenario outlined above, your goal is to restore good time-keeping and maintain motivation in employees.

Five tips to help you develop your emotional intelligence muscle:

1. If you’re about to turn into an exocet missile – keep off the trigger! Put some time between you and the incident.(It’s no coincidence you read articles about counting to ten to calm yourself down. This is based in sound human physiology – our brain processes emotional responses first, and rational thinking second. Giving yourself a little space between your knee-jerk reaction and your final action, allows you to choose your response a little more wisely.)
2. How do you feel about dealing with tricky situations? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you fear being firm or disagreeing with someone might result in people not liking you? Do you back off to avoid hassle?Using emotional intelligence skill number one, that of self-awareness, begin to examinehow your own feelings of worry and discomfort interfere with achieving your goals, and ask yourself if these emotions are serving you or hindering you from achieving your aim.
3. Focus on the outcome you want. Get as clear as you can about the ideal resolution. If you are clear what you want, you’ll feel more confident and it helps you decide how to express it.One key tip here. Don’t just decide what you want, but decide how you want the other person to feel at the end of the discussion too. So, with the “late” scenario – yes, you want the individual to improve their time-keeping, but you also want to keep them on-side and motivated. Whatever tactics you choose, think about how you can achieve both.
4. Try the “fake it till you make it” method! Presumably, you want to appear calm, unruffled and supportive?Think of a time when you do feel these things. What does that look like? How do you talk? Hold yourself? Breathe?Think of the non-verbal cues you give out when you are calm. Practise adopting these behaviours the next time you feel mildly irritated.
5. Keep practising the skill of self control. Emotional intelligence can be learned, but as with any other skill, it requires practice and consistency.Think of it as a muscle: in the same way you build muscle through repetition, you can build emotional muscle and resilience through controlling your emotions. If you’ve had a tendency to “fly off the handle”, or to avoid what you see as “confrontation” for the last 20 years, don’t expect that habit to change overnight.However, practising flexing this “emotional muscle” will not only pay dividends in terms of improving working relationships with your staff and colleagues, studies are now showing that if we build discipline in one area of our lives, it spills out into other areas too.So, not only will your team performance improve, you could find yourself losing weight, or stopping smoking or handling your awkward teenager more effectively as an added bonus! Your confidence will also soar.

Remember, your worst enemy in frustrating situations is your own quick reaction.

The first thing you need to do when dealing with a difficult person or situation is not to control the behaviour of the other person(s), but to control your own!

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For more information to help you with the people side of management,
including how to improve employee motivation and get the best out of your team, take a look at these great resources:

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Why Increasing Your Emotional Intelligence Will Increase Your Success as a Manager

When you become a manager, is it your IQ, your technical skills and your knowledge of the industry you’re in which is paramount – or your ability to influence, inspire and engage others? Or do they both matter equally?

Generally speaking, we promote people to manager or supervisor because they’re good at what they do. Generally speaking, you don’t get to be finance director without knowing how to count, do a balance sheet and understand how to handle money wisely.

However, do you need those skills more or less as you climb the ladder?

Well, who would you rather have as your finance director?

A moderately good accountant who is great with other people, internally and externally, and who is adept at motivating and engaging whoever he or she meets? Or a brilliant accountant who is inept with clients, difficult with peers and has an unnerving ability to alienate a lot of smart people around him or her?

I trust you said the former!

Getting the best out of people does not require the logic and reasoning of IQ. Getting the best out of people requires another form of intelligence entirely – what psychologists call EQ or emotional intelligence – and we all know emotions are generally anything but logical or rational!

Think of anyone you know who seems to have a knack of getting on with just about everybody. They’re not “pushovers”, they set high standards and have high expectations, and they’re not great friends with everyone, but everyone seems to like and, more importantly, respect, them. Moreover, no matter how tricky the customer, colleague, boss, or situation, they seem to be able to get things done and still engender a culture which feels good to work in. These sorts of managers have a queue of people waiting to work for and with them – they produce results and they get noticed for all the right reasons.

Now we can all get on with people we like, respect and admire – that’s the easy part.
However, getting on with, and getting the best out of people who conjure up negative emotions for us such as frustration, anger or dislike is a whole different ball game; because emotions are messy things! They’re not neat; they don’t fit into logical sequences; and they often don’t respond to the logic of intellectual intelligence.

Study after study shows the greatest managers, ( defined by both the high results they achieve through their people and their reputation as someone great to work with or for) have the highest emotional intelligence in business.

Most research shows our IQ is relatively fixed. However, the good news is, with a little diligence and practice, we most certainly can increase our emotional intelligence and leadership in workplace and in business. Great you say! But how exactly do I do that?

There are five skills you need to develop to increase your emotional intelligence and corporate leadership training. I’ll cover the first one here, and keep an eye out for next month’s article where I’ll give you an overview of the others.

Emotional Intelligence and Leadership skill 1: Self awareness

Are you aware of the impact you have on those around you?
If I asked you what your staff think of you, would you know? (Some would rather not find out – which perhaps says something about the quality of leadership you’re setting here?)
How do you handle, say, underperformance?

• With someone you like?
• With someone you struggle with?

(And, if there’s a difference – how might that affect the outcome?)

Outstanding managers are supremely aware of how they come across to others. Some, (and you’ve probably met a few in your time!) seem to be either oblivious to how others feel about them, or don’t seem to care much.

For example, consider the manager who thinks he or she is being diligent, in following up what his/her staff is doing, but some staff perceive it as micromanaging, breathing down their necks, or not trusting them to get on with the job. Does this affect performance? Almost certainly.

Awareness of how our own behaviours, attitudes, beliefs and emotions might be affecting our relationships with others is the first step to improving communication mastery. I call it “turning the mirror on ourselves” – and this skill is, in my view, one of the most important to master.

It requires courage and humility to see ourselves as others see us – particularly when we may be in for a few not so pleasant surprises! However, the willingness to show our staff we know we are not perfect; and we value their opinion, only serves to strengthen rapport with others; not break it. If you show you are open to constructive feedback you gain respect; and just as importantly, you set the foundations for a culture where your people can challenge you constructively – and you can challenge them back! (A great example of the law of reciprocity in action.)

So how can you increase your self-awareness?

Here are three simple reflection exercises to get you started.

1. My views on my team
   Take a blank sheet of paper and note down the name of each person on your team. By the side of their name, quickly write down what you think about:
   a) The level of value you think they bring to the team
   b) Your opinion of their performance
   c) How much you like them
   d) Emotions you associate with that person
2. Employee ranking
   If you were asked to place your staff in order of how much value they bring to the team, how would you rank them, and why?
   If you were asked to rank them in order according to whom you felt most rapport with, how would that list look?
   What do you notice, if anything, about what you have written/thought?
3. Potential impact on my team

Now go back and re-read what you’ve written. What subtle messages might you be sending to the people at the bottom of the list? What impact might that be having on their performance?

Whatever you answer, it is likely that the simple process of just taking a step back, to observe and reflect upon your own behaviour and attitudes, will help increase your level of understanding and give you some thoughts about how you might adapt what you do to produce more constructive working relationships and a culture of openness and trust.

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For more information to help you with the people side of management,
including how to improve employee motivation and get the best out of your team, take a look at these great resources:

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